My Life as A Radical Whore/Madonna

Topics to cover:
- Don’t have kids article in BITCH
- Gov’t breastfeeding campaign
- Sex toys - phthalates…

Okay - so I don’t have time right now to get into the BITCH article - I’ll have to read it again, and analyze and stuff. No time for that right now. So on to other things….

I’m starting with sex toys. This began with a podcast. I’ve just recently (this week) become interested in podcasts, having been given an iPod as a birthday gift (Thanks, Anita!) I figured I better find some interesting podcasts to listen to on my iPod (though I also learned that you don’t need an iPod to listen to podcasts). So, yeah, I found a podcast that I like very much called ‘Sex is Fun.’ It’s right up my alley - good educational info on general human sexuality, but without scimping on the fun and dirty words.

So, I’m listening to the podcast, and they have the founders of the Smitten Kitten (Minneapolis sex shop) on, and they’re talking about how crappy jelly sex toys are (which we essentially knew already), and also talking about how jellies contain phthlalates , which are toxic chemicals. I did some web research, and discovered that exposure to phthalates has been researched, and ultimately that the risk to benefit ration has been decided in favor of the benefits, i.e. - in their general use in various products, they do more good than harm, because humans aren’t exposed to enough of the chemical for a long enough time.

The problem with this is that of all of the uses listed to take into consideration, none of them included prolonged exposure to phthalates by way of repeated (and vigorous) contact of jelly sex toys with mucous membranes. Much of this has to do with the fact that jelly toys are packaged with the instructions “For novelty use only,” indicating that you shouldn’t actually stick them inside yourself, and that the makers are not really advocating that you put the big jelly double dong in any two orifices. If that’s not what the jelly toys are technically for, then there’s no reason to test the effects of such actions. Right? Goddamnit!

So, no one knows if putting jelly toys in your puss will create some kind of toxic problem. I’m suspicious. Well, I stopped using nonoxynol-9, and I won’t be purchasing any more jelly toys. If you don’t intend for your tools to be put in vaginas, don’t shape them like penises and sell them in sex shops. If they should not be put in orifices, then don’t put them in the same place where everything else that looks exactly like it GOES IN ORIFICES!

I’d just like to mention that I am nursing and typing with both hands. ‘Cause I rule.

Anyway, I’m displeased about the jelly toys, and have decided that the time has come for me to start saving for good, quality sex toys. Like Pyrex glass toys, and high quality silcone numbers. Good toys are money well-spent, and I’ve known that for a while, I guess.

I’m also going to wait to address the government breastfeeding campaign. It’s more than I have time for now.

But yeah, I’m looking forward to the day I can get a pyrex dildo. Check out that podcast if you get the chance - it’s fun. And take care what you put where.

Love,

Atena McJellynone

It’s funny - at least half of the time, I think of myself as the ‘We’ of Stella and myself. It makes sense. If children exist in relationship to their caregivers, it follows that we be transformed to exist in relationship with them. It’s a little different, because we parents could choose to separate from our children and exist separately, but not without losing something, some part of ourselves. I couldn’t make such a choice. The cost would be unfathomable.

So, I haven’t blogged on Friendster out of annoyance with their obtrusive ad placement, but I guess I’d rather connect with people. So I’ll be doing this in addition to myspace. Honestly, I don’t know why everyone thinks myspace is so freaking great. It’s okay, but I was expecting some kind of revolution in interpersonal connection-making. Not so.

Life is good, as ever. Stella is 9 months old. She’s a very big girl. Her health is excellent, and her development is going great. Stella is amazing and taking care of her is the rapture of my life. She’s napping at this moment, we’ll see for how long. I’m trying to figure out the plan for today. We must go outside - the weather is beautiful.

I’m finding that our routines are evolving again as she grows and as I become more engaged with my own life. I’ll be training Sunday school teachers at our church in a new curriculum at the end of the summer. We’re making a lot of changes, so it’ll be a lot of work. And then I’ll be starting school again - internship, supervision, meetings,etc. We’ll be hiring a sitter for Stella, and maybe I can get a part-time job. We’ll see. It’s hard to tell at this point. I’m looking forward to re-engaging in academic and professional life.

THIS FUCKING GOVERNMENT! I continue to be amazed and frightened and deeply saddened by how many people’s lives around the world, and really, the very planet itself, are being damaged and ruined by the greed of a relatively small number of people. Greed and entitlement. So dangerous. I’ve been listening to Democracy Now on the radio (WLUW 88.7 in Chicago, 9 am), and they were discussing the situation in New Orleans. My God - how can people treat each other this way? Demolishing low income housing when people are already living in the streets and abandoned buildings! Supporting privatization all of the schools - THE FIRING ALL THE PUBLIC SCHOOL EMPLOYEES! Though, really, the same things are happening here in Chicago, just more slowly.

I’m not even going to go into what’s happening in Iraq. Just to say that if a country could have a conscience, ours should be crippled with profound shame. Not just the government, but the people for passivity, acquiesence and apathy.

I’m planning to get back into the development of my pregnancy and sexuality workshops. I have a friend who is going to design a media package for me, so that I have professional materials to use for correspondence and communications. I was discouraged that my initial workshop didn’t go as well as I’d hoped, but as my very clever husband Ian has pointed out, one should not give up because one doesn’t succeed the first time, and also that business people often fail several times before succeeding. So I’m going to keep trying - I just need to take my time and gather more resources.

Well, Stella needs changing and bathing, so I’ll bid you all farewell. I’ll post some pictures soon.

Love, peace,

Atena

This has been a good week. On Sunday, I was alone in our apartment for the first time since we brought Stella home - it was so fucking awesome I can’t even describe it! I mean, I knew I’d enjoy some time alone, but I didn’t realize it would make me downright giddy. Mmmm - good times. Ehhhh-xcellent times.

I sent out an e-mail to all friends and family (or rather, most friends and family) regarding the anti-abortion madness going on, directing them toward the Planned Parenthood SaveRoe.com website. I wasn’t sure how they’d all react, but I received some encouraging responses. If I offended anyone, they’ve kept quiet about it. My sister-in-law, Greer, who is quite awesome, sent a particularly astute letter to the governor of Mississippi explaining the various ways anti-choice legislation will only worsen their already-hurting economy. I’m also encouraged by the position taken by Cecelia Fire Thunder, president of the Oglala Sioux Tribe: (Oglala Sioux Tribe/Planned Parenthood).

As an immediate reaction to the Problematic Legislation, I’ve converted one of my shirts into a pro-choice garment. I’ve decided to make a series of garments that have clear, easy-to-understand pro-choice statements written on them and wear at least one publicly each week. My goal is to get some garments that are of reasonably good quality, to illustrate the value of the statement. I want to reflect that my convictions are valuable enough to extend beyond just writing them on ratty t-shirts that I’d just as soon throw away. Uh-oh… I sense a “Piece” coming on - the beginnings of my Feminist Artist Response…

What else? I had lunch my dear friend Natalie before she left town - I haven’t seen her in months, and Kitty, whom I haven’t seen since SINCE MY FREAKING WEDDING! Too long! Also in attendance were Stella, Rabbit, Kitty’s guy Mario, Natalie’s brother (who’s name I’ve forgotten), and his friend (who’s name I never learned). Anyway, we had delicious Ethiopian food (the Assa Tibs was SO GOOD ), and Stella had another successful high-chair experience. Here’s a pic (note my shoulder):

Afterwards, we went to True Nature natural foods grocery to pick up desert-type snacks. I had a delicious organic ginger, oatmeal, something else cookie. And a cherry flavored ginger beer.

Things are good today. I don’t even mind that it’s not sunny. Baby’s napping at the moment, we’ve had a calm morning. Yesterday was a bit out-of-the-ordinary, ’cause I had an interview after physical therapy, which started late, plus Emily and Audrey came over to babysit, and everything just seemed to be happening at once. Today, we’re back into our rhythm. I’ve been trying to create more structure and general predicatability for Stella and myself (aka ‘rhythms,’ as they say in the magical land of Waldorf), and I’m figuring some things out. Like, I don’t use artificial lights in the morning if I don’t have to - that way Stella can experience the natural changes of light. I want her to be connected to nature in as many ways as I can make room for. I think this makes it easier for her to regulate her body, which will help her resting, growth and immunity.

Anyway, I have to get back into home stuff - laundry to be sorted, you know. Everyone have a good Friday, and a great weekend.

Love,

Atena

Feeling is valuable, but it is not enough. Take action!

Of course this is happening, because we let it. Because as a whole, as a society and a network of communities, we have allowed apathy and complacency to carry us to this point.

I am talking about this madness of banning abortion outright. South Dakota and possibly Mississippi and Tennessee. Who knows what other states’ legislators have been waiting for this, just itching for this opportunity, lined up to send us careening into a new Dark Age, humming quietly with electricity?

This is what happens when we take our rights for granted. People fought for these rights, risked their lives, took dangerous chances, sacrificed so much, and for what? So we can act like it was always this easy? So we can let it all go down the drain and not even notice because we were all too busy watching American Idol? Survivor? Whatever the hell bullshit is on TV right now? GODDAMNIT!

I didn’t start out with the intention of spewing anger all over the place, but this is some CRISIS LEVEL BULLSHIT going on here. And I’m frustrated because I don’t really know what to do. I’ve signed the online petition (SaveRoe.com) - now what? Something - I HAVE to do something. Even if I have to do some kind of DIY draw-a-slogan-on-a-T-shirt thing, I’ll do it. Because I will not be quiet about this. I will not sigh and say “Well, what can you do?”

When I was 12 years old, I watched my cousin torture a cat because I didn’t know how to tell him to stop. When I told my aunt about it later, she told me “Your silence is your consent.” It is irresponsible not to speak up. It is irresponsible to stand by and watch us all be denigrated, put down and endangered by the distant “powers that be.” They do not know us. They don’t care about us, whether our children live well, or die miserably. They only care about maintaining their own power, privilege and comfort.

Honestly - we’ve had this lesson before, why haven’t we learned it? Prohibition - tell people they can’t drink alcohol, and what happened? Prostitution - tell people they can’t trade sex for cash, and what happened? Some things cannot be stopped. Sometimes you are better off making sure some things are done safely instead of not at all. The inability to see this tells you how out of touch these so-called decisionmakers are. Whether you think abortion is wrong or not, I think we can all agree that ‘I shoved-a-coathanger-into-my-uterus’ deaths are bad and unnecessary. I hope so.

Nothing is so simple as Alive vs. Not Alive. There’s also quality of life, and quality of relationships. Why can’t we take better care of each other?

Alicia is right, we need to find a better path through love. I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out what shape that will take for me in the here and now. Because I have to do something. Everytime I look at my daughter and the as-of-yet unconditional trust in the world that she has, I have to do what I can to make something better. She deserves better than we’re currently prepared to give her as a human community and society.

We can do better. As far as I’m concerned, we have to. And we have to do it together.

Love,

Atena Oyadi

Hey Everyone! It’s really snowin’ and blowin’ out there - I wondered if the storm might pass us by. So much for my dreams of a trip to the Carribean Bakery for a meat pie. Alas, another day.

Well, yesterday was busy - a pretty good day, overall. I went to church playgroup with Stella, and it was a full house. Usually there’s five parents, each with one kid. Yesterday there were seven parents, seven kids, so we jump from 10 people to 14. It was fun, though a bit chaotic with so many toddlers. Even one extra toddler amps up the action significantly. Afterwards, my friends Emily, Mark and I went out for lunch at Clarke’s diner (where I hadn’t been since RA training). We trooped in with our strollers and bags, and though the host looked a bit miffed, overall the service was pretty good (waitress’s first day - Mark got a BBQ chicken salad instead of a BBQ pizza), and the fries were surprisingly good. After that I had my internship interview, which went well. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it. Stella was very well behaved - she mostly just sat on the floor and played.

Okay - I finally got some of the pics off of our digital camera and onto the computer. This is a slow process, so please continue to be patient with me as we get up-to-date on the whole picture thing. Some of these are older, but no less cute.

I actually just got a copy of this from my friend Amanda. It it was so nice, I thought I’d include it.

These are Stella pics.

Baby on the boob

Fetching red sweater

Reading to her stuffed creatures

Hangin’ with Mama

Today has been pretty chill - we had physical therapy (PT) this morning, which went well. Stella’s sitting up right on target for her age. I’m really excited, ’cause I scored a ride to Natalie’s allofasudden baby shower which is way the hell up in Wheaton. I’m very happy about that, ’cause I would’ve been super pissed if I couldn’t go for lack of transportation.

So I have to go now, ’cause I’ve been doing a lot of stuff on the computer, and Stella needs some more undivided attention. Love and warmth and stuff to you all!

Atena McPictureposter

Hey All! So, it’s happened twice in 2 days that I’ve gotten e-mail messages about this paper I wrote 5 years ago about my hair. I wrote it initially as an assignment for my History of Textiles class, and I put it up on my allottment of school webspace when I was learning HTML and needed to practice. A while after I put it up, I started to get occasional e-mails from people who had somehow found it on the web, read it, and liked it. Since then, I get 2 or 3 of these e-mails each year. And I got one yesterday, and one today. The one I got today actually provided a link to the paper, which is cool, ’cause I haven’t been able to find it online for the longest time. I read it today, and it’s a pretty decent piece of writing. I’d make changes if I could, but five years later I’m not embarrassed about it. Here’s a link to the dred paper, for anyone who’d like to check it out. The person who wrote yesterday told me that she found my paper from a link on a website called Nappturality.com, which is dedicated to the various manifestations of natural, kinky (aka nappy) hair. It’s pretty cool, but sometimes the pages don’t load correctly, or it’s superslow. A good resource, though.

I guess I’d stopped thinking about hair as being such a big deal - I’ve been in my own little world for a while, only really moving around within my close circles. It was more of a presence when I was encountering more people, more strangers. Funnily enough, I just finished a major hair maintenance project with the indespensible help of Superawesome Ian. See, I found out last week that I have a couple of job interviews lined up, and I realized “Oh shit! - I have to make myself presentable on a professional level!” So I washed my hair and Ian and I spent a good portion of Saturday twisting, de-knottning, and braiding it. It looks pretty good - it’s all wavy from being braided. And not a moment too soon, because I have my internship interview TOMORROW! Oh yeah! So I’ll have to reinvest in professional appearances, which I really haven’t had to do consistently in over a year.

Otherwise, life is good. Stella is almost to the point where she doesn’t need to be surrounded by pillows when she sits on the floor. And she’s using her thumbs more. Thumbs lead to great things. And she’s making some supercute talky noises. She’s back into the excessive spitting, though, which is my least favorite of her occupations, but it’s better than random loud screaming.

I’m excited about these first glimpses of spring - warm weather will be such a relief.

I’ve gotten to a point where I’m feeling like I can get back into taking good care of myself, which I have not really been doing since Stella was born. I’ve been doing my best (most of the time), but now, I have the distinct feeling that another door has opened, one that will lead to better care of myself. I’ve found that that’s the best indicator of what’s possible for me these days. I get this feeling of possibility - like there’s more space to move, or room to breathe. The world opens up a little bit, and I can do a little more. So here’s to more showers, breakfasts, general hair maintenance, and more exercise. Maybe I can find a free or cheap and easy to get to Mom and Baby yoga class.

Anyway, gotta straighten up the apartment. Take care everyone, and enjoy the sunshine!

Atena McShowerseveryday

Well, first off - BELL HOOKS IS AWESOME! OH MY GOD! SO AWESOME!

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to see her speak at Northwestern University last Wednesday (thanks, Alicia!), and it was outstanding. I totally needed it, too - an experience to remind me why and how intellectual engagement can be so inspiring without being bourgois at all, a chance to hear someone reaffirm the practical, everyday reasons why feminism is so important, a chance to hear someone articulate so many of the reasons that watching black people on television pisses me off (such as abysmally low standards for media representation so frequently leading to brutal, or at the very least, embarrasing [MAD TV, anyone?] representations of blackness). I’m sure it’s been a bit of a pain in the ass to watch TV with me for the past week, alas. I was moved to tears when she talked about the movie ‘Four Little Girls’ by Spike Lee as a document of post-traumatic stress. I watched ‘Four Little Girls’ when I was still in high school - it is an absolutely heartbreaking movie. It bothers me that most people have never even heard of it. Terrorism against black people is one the biggest elephants in the room in this country. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend seeing ‘Four Little Girls’ at least once.

Anyway - so many other things going on… I had my Pregnancy and Sexuality Workshop. It went quite well. Only one of the people who showed up was my close, personal friend - the rest were honest to goodness attendees. It was a good group and good discussion, and I think what I’m most excited about is that now that I’ve done the workshop once, I can make it even better now. It’ll be even better now, so long as I can find another place to have it. If anyone has any venue ideas, please let me know.

Well - before I was planning to talk about a few other things, but now I can’t remember what. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

Until then,

Atena McMemoryloss

I have been ill.

Though I usually have no qualms about regaling you with tales of my fluids, what has transpired in the past 48 hours was so gross that I’m opting to spare you. Let’s just say that practically all of the liquid in my body came out. And after hours and hours of pitching my liquids, only after I drank some breastmilk did my stomach settle. I tell you, it was magical.

I was waiting to either sleep or puke or poop, and Stella was obstinately refusing her nightly bottle. After making it clear that she wasn’t having it, Stella fell asleep and I was left to wait for whatever might come out of me. To supply some fluid into my body and introduce a different taste into my mouth, I unscrewed the bottom of Stella’s bottle and drank a couple of sips of vitamin fortified boob juice. Within fifteen minutes, I was no longer shaking with chills. My stomach settled. I was able to sleep without worrying about leaking. Breastmilk is indeed the elixer of life.

So, I was getting ready to walk out of the apartment, Stella carefully strapped to my person in the Snugli, both of us swaddled in carefully arranged layers of winterwear, and the phone rings. I answer it - it’s the doctor’s office, the doctor is out sick, they’ll have to cancel my 9:15 am appointment. Goddammit!

On the up side - It was about 8:50 when they called, I was going to be late, anyway.

However, since we were poised to leave, I decided to go ahead and step out for a brief morning walk. It’s bright and sunny. So out we went, into the cold morning sun. Stella wasn’t really into it - I don’t think the Snugli was adjusted to her liking, so I just went around the block. Another bonus - now I know that she wouldn’t have been comfortable on the walk to the doctor’s office, so now I can make the necessary adjustments for our appointment this afternoon (different doctor, same practice).

I’m pumping right now, as my breasts are bursting with even more milk than usual. Stella went back to sleep for a while, so if the getting’s still good when I finish pumping, I just might cook up a bit of breakfast.

Yesterday we tried something exciting and new: backpack-style carrying! Uninteresting you say? Well, that was before you realized that carrying baby on my back means I can keep her generally appeased AND do dishes at the same time! Wha-haaa! Good times ahead!

Another seemingly mundane, but super exciting achievement: I fixed the zipper on my coat! I bought this coat probably in November, and busted the zipper after about a week. It would zip up and down, but the zipper wouldn’t disengage at the bottom, so I had to step in and out of my coat. It’s just a pain in the ass to have to do that. But this morning, I focused all of my martial-arts concentration, squeezed the zipper parts together, and lo, the mechanism righted itself, and said zipper came undone.

I’ve pumped 8 ounces of milk, and it’s still coming. All hail my mighty, mighty boobs! I should start calling them “The Producers.” Or, “Big, Bad, Mamma Jammas.” Heh.

In other news, I had my internship orientation at school - that was pretty exciting, actually. The director of Career Services helped me come to the understanding that my skills really are administrative, and that I should pursue that. I kinda knew that, but it helps to hear someone else say it, and then enocurage it. I’m really psyched to get back into my academic/career training. There are some cool internship opportunities available, and I think that I could actually do well on my comprehensive exams. I just have to figure out how to be concise and include enough of the right information - my writing tends to be stronger when I can edit the hell out of it, but the comps are basically a bunch of very elaborately conceieved in-class essays. It takes 6 hours. But I can do it. I can do it.

Well, it seems like the getting is indeed good, so I will bid ye all farewell, put my milk away, and make some grub. Maybe I’ll even get some journaling done. We’ll see.

So, happy Tuesday, everyone! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my big brother Mike!

Atena

Hey! So, I’m watching Oprah - Dave Chappelle’s first interview. Fascinating. If Oprah is effecting some campaign of intimidation against Dave, she’s covering up really well, by being super nice. I feel bad for Dave, because it’s clear he has so much to say and doesn’t quite know how to get it out. Oprah acting kind of like a celebrity mother/mentor, she’s got this semi-maternal look in her eye.

I just saw this commercial for Andrea Bocelli’s new album, ‘Amoré,’ singing ‘the most romantic songs ever’ or something. And I realized, if I were to have a particularly guilty pleasure, it might be to -

wait - sorry. I just heard the word “herbacutical,” as in ‘pharmacutical,’ but with herbs. That is not a real word. I hate it when they make up words just for commercials. I realize that words are often simply combinations of roots and prefixes, and that no one owns the domain of word making, but it’s still really annoying to hear totally made-up words like ‘herbacutical’ and ‘heliotherapy’ in reference to shampoo and crap like that. If you’re going to make a up a word, do it to add some meaning to the world.

- anyway. If I were to have a particularly guilty pleasure, it might be to listen to this ‘Amoré’ album. Possibly while drinking some rich aromatic tea. During a sunset, perhaps? Enjoying Bocelli’s duets with Christina Aguilera and Stevie Wonder… Maybe while wearing a silk kimono, writing in my journal. I’m not above such things.

Okay, well, on with the day. We’re going to meet with a lady today about looking after her daughter, then I’m coming home to babysit for my friend and neighboor. Good times in childcare means diaper money - go team!

But what I’m superpsyched about is that my class, my pregnancy and sexuality class is scheduled for February 28th at 7:30 pm - it’s called Hot Mama: Sex and Pregnancy. Check out the Early to Bed website for this and other exciting classes on positive sexuality. And PLEASE tell your pregnant friends, and anyone else who might be interested, so we can have a full class with a waiting list, and they’ll have to schedule it again, and again and again. My ultimate goal is to teach this, and other classes, at other locations as well, spreading the good word all about the city.

What else? I just finished reading ‘Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts.’ This book kicks ASS. I love it - THANKS, THANKS, THANKS to my friend Andrea for loaning it to me. Reading this book has been so inspiring, I almost cried reading the last few essays (especially the interview with Corin Tucker of Sleater Kinney, which I read years ago, but have now read totally differently through the eyes of a) a mom and b) a mom who’s baby spent her first weeks in the hospital because of an emergency). I have firmed my resolve to reignite my creativity and pursuing artistic endeavors. I hod lost some of my confidence there, but it’s starting to come back a bit. I’m glad for it.

Anyway, Stella’s awake and spitting for some more attention. Enjoy the weekend!

Atena