So, I’m feeling less generally distressed than yesterday. Still upset about what looks like world war three shaping up, but I feel good. Stella and I are having a nice day together - she’s napping right now, though.
I found 2 more podcasts that I really like. Melissa Gira’s ‘whorecast,’ and Ellie Lumpesse’s ‘Bedroom Radio with Ellie.’ Both very smart, good content. Whorecast is my new favorite - there’s just so much to like about it. I highly encourage you to go check it out.
whorecast - melissagira.com
Bedroom Radio with Ellie - lumpesse.com
I found them ’cause I was reading Susie Bright’s blog, which referred to a sex bloggers’ conference, where Melissa Gira is a panelist, and I was looking for info on another panelist, and did a search for ’smart sexy,’ and while the podcast I was looking for did not come up, ‘Bedroom Radio with Ellie’ did. And then when I was listening to that, the host talked about how much she likes Melissa Gira’s podcast. Full circle. I guess.
So I’ve been listening to those and playing with Stella and reading and stuff. One of the episodes on Gira’s show is called ‘The Virtues of Fake Women,’ and I think it deserves the podcast version of a Grammy. She discusses how women are judged as being “fake” based on appearances and demeanor, (like strippers who are highly made up, or sex workers with “unrealistic” bodies, etc.) and Gira decries this ‘fake labeling’ as being problematic and harmful. So I’ve been thinking about that all afternoon.
I agree that calling women (or any other human beings) fake has little potential to be helpful or healing in any way. My thinking is that we do this because among other things, it is a way to resist the image industry’s constant barrage of propaganda that suggests that we’re not good enough in whatever form is natural to us, and that makes a business out of creating and promoting low self-esteem and unrealistic expectations - especially in girls and women. Attacking models and strippers and dancers in music videos is a way that we try to defend and protect ourselves.
But here again, I think that we’re misdirecting our frustration. Gira makes the excellent point that to deny that a person is real makes it easier to deny them rights. If we talk about how certain people are less real than others, aren’t we setting up a scenario that suggests that those people are less valuable, artificial, copies of people, not as worthy as the “real” ones? I’ve heard it so many times (and admittedly, said it a number of times): “Those women aren’t real; the models in this magazine look like real women; God, she looks so fake…” We can easily forget how powerful language can be. What does it really mean to call another person ‘fake’? How do you treat a ‘fake’ person? How does that person feel to be considered ‘fake’?
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve often decried artifice in appearance. But now that I think of it, I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed “artifice” in appearance in a number of situations. I’ve dyed my hair, gotten extensions. I’ve worn make up - I wasn’t born with red lips. I’ve work high heels and platforms, I’ve worn push-up bras.
I think the root of what upsets me about “fakeness” in terms of women’s appearance that that there is usually a foundation of sexism and racism beneath it all, and at the worst of times, some woman’s “fakeness” reminds me of sexist, sometimes racist oppression. As well as other forms of oppression. Seeing models with the thin bodies in tiny clothes makes me wonder how many women are disappointed with themselves about not having that kind of body, and how much money was made off of their poor self-image? Seeing black women with freshly sprayed and curled perms sometimes makes me think of how much value is placed on “white-like” characteristics among so many black people (lightness of skin, straightness of hair), an more specifically how I have personally been treated due to the lack of these characteristics. Clearly these larger issues are not the fault of the women who represent them to me. But, you know, kill the messenger.
Anyway, my brain is full of these thoughts and I’m enjoying the challenge it presents. I pride myself of being sex-positive, but I’ve been slower about figuring out how to be fully sex worker-positive - even when I was a sex worker. When I was a domme, I’d make cracks about strippers, and distance myself from the idea that my work was in any way related to prostitution. But that kind of behavior does nothing to promote positive change in the industry. So I’m being more careful about how I talk about sex workers. And not using the word ‘whore’ as a blanket insult toward women (or anyone, really). I’ve met and talked to enough strippers to know that my initial ideas about them were unfounded. And I’ll take this attitude to the streets and encourage people not to be derisive toward or about sex workers. That’s where I find the hardest bit of activism happens for me with any issue: beyond living out my ideals, actually encouraging others to see the value of such ideals and naming ways to alter their behavior. Ian brought this home for me on the issue of female chauvinism, and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to act on that and vocally combat sexism against males.
Well, I better make the best of this suspiciously long naptime and fold some laundry. I’ll write more when I can.
Atena Oyadi
